^.^ - Jun. 05, 2006 at 06:00 AM
BOO! is been a few days since i last updated here! hahas, quite busy now! hahas. erm... oh ya! did i mention that i saw my xiaodi on thursday! OMG, i was so so so so shock! can shock till die la! HAHAS! erm, think about it, did i remember the day correctly? argh, how can i forget! i am stil thinking hard now! BOO! when did i saw my xiaodi! but i still strongly think is thursday cos that day i got econs then NANA*darling`bestest bestie waited for me, then we happened to walk the short traffic light route with katat! hahas! so is thursday! alrights, i saw my xiaodi only after when i come out from the woodlands CC! i shouted linxin from quite a short distance then i was happily waving to him and also smiling to him! then i saw his mother and sister behind! OMG, i went OMGOMG all the way after that! hahas! so dui lian la! hahas! oh ya, he was shocked to see me too and of cos he was shock that someone called him suddenly! hahas, cute xiaodi!! YAY! i love and miss my xiaodi!

today go to school for the profiling thing! hahas, funny la! erm, just feel funn! hahas! guitar lessons starting soon! YAY-ness for me! hahas! finally =DD feeling excited now! hahas!

my halfDI is funny la! hahas, i got a CUTE halfDI! hahas, i just love the half PIG that he send me! hahas, i make it into fullJIEDI! hahas! cute halfDI!

studies is like ... dont know what words can i use to say now! hais x(

i am happy now huh! shigehisa is back online status la! hahas, ORANGE! hahas, finally get to see it! hahas! OMGOMG, going to chat alot with him la! since when we last chatted? hahas! alrights, i miss him alot de! haahs. so now going to chat with him! OMG-

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HAPPY x)) - Jun. 01, 2006 at 07:36 AM
HEY PEOPLE! i am back to normal because of a thing given by my NANA*darling! she say it is a surprise to me! hahas, a REAL BIG SURPRISE TO ME HUH! hahas! oh no! i am really touched by what she wrote! i am crying as i was reading her letter while walking home slowly! argh, my tears cant stop dropping when i know she is sad when i am sad too! i am sorry to make you feel this way too! i trust you, really. this is the first time that a letter of apology can make me cry so much. seriously, i think both of us are hurt somehow because ... anyway thanks NANA, for wanting to be my bestest friend in JC and willingly to walk this JC road with me! thanks for saying such touching words! thanks for turning me into ur bestest RQ! hahas, yap, i am turning you into my bestest boyfriend xiaoxin, my bestest girlfriend poixin, my bestest bud weeling and my bestest GF ahS! thanks, i am really touched! i am glad by the silver coating of yours over the broken glass! I AM SHOCK WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT! I BELIEVE U CAN DO IT! hahas! i trust you hor! thanks for saying all you want to say through that letter! i understand how u feel and i finally know u really care so much for me! make me feel that if i dont love myself, i am letting alot of people down! I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, words cant express how i feel now! i am feeling happy happy happy! i found someone who i can turn into so many bestest of mine! OH! thanks for giving such a wonderful friend and thats you NANA!*darling!

I AM HAPPY TO COME IJC FOR 1ST 3 MONTHS BECAUSE I FOUND MY ANOTHER BESTEST PART OF ME HERE!

REMEMBER MR ANG SAYS WE ARE BONDED! YES WE ARE! WE ARE STILL IN IJC BECAUSE BOTH OF US STAY FOR EACH OTHER! WE ARE GOING TO LAST FOREVER THIS FRIENDSHIP! ALL MY BESTEST ROLE LAST FOREVER! WE LAST FOREVER FOREVER! DIE ALSO PULL EACH OTHER LA =x hahas! 12 SUNFLOWERS FOR YOU AND 12 LILIES FOR ME! HAHAS!

i love all my friends! i have too many loves one to name! remember that i just love all of you!

I CANT EXPRESS TO YOU GUYS HOW HAPPY I AM NOW! ARGH, VOCAB LIMITED YOU SEE >.<
I CANT EXPRESS HOW TOUCHED I AM TOO!
I CANT EXPRESS HOW FORTUNTE I AM TOO!
I CANT EXPRESS HOW GRATEFUL I AM TOO!
I CANT EXPRESS HOW THANKFUL I AM TOO!
I CANT EXPRESS MY FEELINGS NOW BUT IT IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE BEST FEELINGS I EVER HAVE!

tml is my turn to give her a surprise too! hahas, NANA, bestest bestie! hahas!

I AM HAPPY ! x))

SORRY GUYS, THIS POST IS TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE MY BESTEST BESTIE AND HOW HAPPY I AM!
SHALL BLOG MORE NEXT TIME ROUND! x)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! NO WORDS-

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DOWN// - May. 31, 2006 at 09:29 AM
hais. just feel like totally a failure. went for floorball training today. really making myself a fool there i think, i am just so dumb! argh, i really dont know why am i still in that cca of mine when i cant even play simple skills well! argh, totally like SLOW or what! why lihui u are so dumb! sorry captain, i know you are sure pissed off by my skills. i know you give me alot advices on how to play better and stuff, but i cant learn them. sorry sorry sorry. i dont know what more can i say other than sorry. hais, i am sorry to everyone in floorball, i know i am like the dumbest of all. i am so sorry. argh, sorry! i promise to train very hard very hard okie. i promise to master all the skills by hook or by crook okie. i promise to be the best i can. i promise i promise i promise. promise to put in my best and more for floorball.
everytime only know how to say sorry! so no use la lihui! everytime only know how to say i promise! so no use again! overall u are just a useless lihui living here, why not go and die better la! faster die faster good!
hais, why am i always the burden x(

lyfe is full of ups and downs. i am always the one making the people around me and also myself down. hais. why is it like that.

my mind was not with my soul today! argh, i cant concentrate in whatever i want. i am totally just went so LOST. i seem to have lost my way home and never find my way back home now. hais. when will i find my way back home again. never ever back home i supposed. hais-

i just love the route back home from school. is always the nicest route i ever walked before. the route is around 15-20 minutes for normal speed but i took around 30minutes or more to just walked home for today! my mind was full of thoughts, the music is played in my MP3. in fact, i am like dream walker i think. i just keep staring into the blank in front of me and just keep on walking. the road seem to be endless, but i love just to keep on walking to see whether there is end or not. i really love the route back home from school<3.

today is not the day for me totally. nothing went right at all. in fact right from the morning, everything was wrong till the clock strike 12! after 12 will things be on the right again. i dont think things will be right again for me. i was wrong in the first place to make my decision. hais.

truth make me hurts. i know the truth finally and i dont wish to say anything anymore. i am just hurt and i wish i could end my lyfe now because i am just a S-I-N. i hope to end my lyfe as soon as possible. find no more meaning to live in this world anymore. more hatred towards my presence in this world. i hate my presence here here here! why am i here x( hais-

i realise everyone is putting a mask somehow, i am putting a mask too. hais, why are all of us putting a mask. why cant all of us take of the mask. hais. i lost my trust on myself forever. i lost myself forever too. i lost everything forever too. why am i keep on losing everything. hais-

i am irritating, i am stupid. hais- just all the things i found out today. i am really irritating and stupid la. why am i liddat!! why everyone didnt tell me. why everyone is keep the fact that i am irritating and stupid from me. why are all of you keeping it. hais- my lyfe is not for me.

tears rolled down my cheeks over and over again. even the tears are tired of rolling down, why am i still not strong. hais, i admit i broke down again and again. my eyes cant hold the tears. i cant hold on to my emotions at all. why couldnt i hold on to my emotions. why couldnt i be strong. hais. i am such a failure. fail to do what i want. hais. i just cry and cry. all i know is cry. crybaby lihui. dumb again! hais-

should i isolate myself from everyone. should i do that. what can i do other than isolating myself. i dont know what am i supposed to do now. i dont have any more courage to face this world anymore. i dont have the courage, the strength, the everything to face this world. hais. so thats why i am hiding. yes. i am hiding now. hiding from everything. hiding frome everyone. i dont wish to face any reality now. reality make me run away from more things. reality make me more sad. reality make me roll more tears. reality make me die. hais.

told myself to run but my feet are stick to the ground! told myself to be strong but tears are rolling down my cheeks! told myself so many things, but i fail to do so many things. why am i liddat, why why why!

when can i end my lyfe. somemore tell me please. when can i end it. i no longer can take anymore things anymore. i am really going to die sooner or later if it continues. argh, hais.

time dont heal wounds. time dont make me feel better. time dont make things better. time instead do the opposite. time dont heal wounds but make it worse. time dont make me feel better but make me feel worse. time dont make things better too. time make feelings fade. time make me feel like dying. time make me feel more hatred towards myself. time make me realise more things that i dont wish to know in the first place. time make me realise alot of reality. time allow truth to come. time just make me feel living in a hell. why are there time for me. hais. can someone end time for me. hais-

i promise to be happy. i promise to cheer up. i promise not to cry so often. i promise so many things but i didnt do what i promise/ sorry everyone. i let those alot of people down i know. sorry. i dont wish too but this time round, i am really hurt. hais.

sorry that i make so many people unhappy. sorry that i hurt so many people. sorry that you guys choose me as a friend. sorry that you guys know me. sorry for my presence in this world. sorry for everything that relate to me. i know you guys will be happier without knowing me.

the cracks of a broken glass can never be mend. i should let this broken pieces of glass remains there. not going to do anything anymore because i am afraid of getting hurt again. i dont want get cut by those sharp ends. i am afraid. i am scare. -hais

i am just hurt, no one knows how i feel. this is the first time i feel this way. i totally find no one i can trust. i find no one is there for me this time round.
i turn my head around, no one is there.
i deserve all this because i am a sin.

define friends for me if you can.
define happiness for me if you can.
define smiles for me if you can.
define trust for me if you can.
define lihui for me if you can.
because i cant even define myself. hais-

NO FRIENDS
NO TRUST
NO HOPES
NO SMILES
NO DREAMS
ALONE
ISOLATE
HIDING
AFRAID
SCARED
HATRED
HURT
TEARS
WOUNDS
FEELINGS
CRACKS
JUST LET ME DIE-
S-I-N

i dont know what more can i type if i continue. i am tired of blogging. hais-

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HAIS// - May. 29, 2006 at 08:45 AM
i am feeling so ... i dont know what can i use to express my feelings and thoughts now. i am feeling so speechless and wordless now. i am not feeling lost or what, i am just feeling numb. i no longer can know what i am feeling now, no longer the same anymore. i dont want this feelings at all. i dont need anyone to say any thing to me any more because i know who i am. i am very clear of who i am and what i am. i know you guys are just too perfect, i know it. should i be aware of who are my friends now. should i be the one listening to all this again. hais. at this moment, i just want to take a good look of what is happening around me, the people ard me, the words they say, the things they do and the way they behave! i just need to see and say nothing. words say by people make my mind run real wild till i could not stop it at all. my mind are running wild now still. why words just affect me so much, seriously, i dont understand why at all. hais. do you think i really want all this. NO, i dont want. who ever want all these. no one wants and that includes me! their words make me feel so hurt. their words just make me so lost and speechless. i try to avoid their words but i cant because all the words are just shooting towards me. i can feel the pain inside me, it is so deep and painful. i can feel the blood flowing out right from my heart. it is just using a knife to cut through my heart. i can feel all these painful process. hais. what can i do to stop all these painfulness in me. what can i do in order to stop the bleeding. what can i do actually. hais. there are so many times when i want to hold back on to my tears always. i try my best always to hold back my tears but now i no longer know how long i could hold on to it. i got no more strength to hold, i got no more chace to hold. i dont want to break down in front of others but i fail to do so. i know i break down in front of my friends oftenly. hais. i really do not have the strength to hold on to just that drop of tear. hais. where is all the strength i used to have. i know i always cry whenever i face problems. the only way out for me is to cry. people told me, dont cry over spilled milk. but i cant. i really cant learn not to cry whenever i face any problem. hais, i am just so weak in terms of emotionally. ohter than crying, i dont know what can i do to solve all my problems i face. hais. i really hate my presence in this world, why everyone around me make me hate more. why are all this things happening around only me. hais, god is unfair i know. but i am glad that god save my lyfe for twice or not i would not be here anymore. should i be thankful to god for allowing me to live longer or should i be not thankful to god for allowing me to undergo so many sufferings again. hais. overall, i am nothing but just a sin. i am cursing everyone around me. why should i be in this world in the first place? it really make me wonder why should i be here. i contribute nothing to this world so far, i am usless. i did not contribute anything to my family as well, i am not a good daughter/sister. i did not treat my family and friends well enough, i am just NOTHING! what can i actually do! argh, i am just so useless. what is the point of having an useless person in this world. is it to add on to people burden or to add more trouble or what! argh, i find myself nothing good at all. should i continue my life with all those unhappy things happening around me or should i end my lyfe now. if i end my lyfe now, i will be happier because there is no sadness, no happiness, no trouble at the other world. how i wish the real world is like that too. if it is like that, then at least i wont feel this way now. i am just someone who can people words to heart because i care about what others say about me. i am very persimistic i know. i am just those kind of people who get so demoralised or what whenever bad things are said on me. i dont like people to praise me too because i dont deserve it i know. i just deserve negative comments given by people as it is just so hurtful. hais. how i wish ... i wish for alot alot of things but all of them dont seem to be happen at all. why. did i pray to the wrong star in the sky or my wish did not fall onto any of the stars in the sky above. hais. i really hope some mircales will happen. what if ... hais. everyone around me seem to be so perfect unlike me. cries* why am i feeling this way, issit because my confident level is not as high as them. hais, alot of my friends say that i am too low confident and not only that i am too persimistic. do you think i want all this thinking too. hais. is my confident level affect by me or the comments people around me made. hais, i really dont know whether i am living for myself or am i living for others! argh, what got into my mind. i seem to be living for others and not myself. as if i am living for myself, i would not care about others comments made on me, but now i care so much. care so much that till i am crying over what they say to me. argh. why! this is not the way people should behave! everyone lives for themselves but why am i doing all the opposite things always. hais. i really know who i am. i really really know. why people have to keep on saying about who i am. hais. i know la. i am not those kind of pretty girls because i am the ugly one. i am not those kind of silm girls because i am the fat one. i am not kind of tall girls because i am the short one. i am not the kind of good character girls because my character is so hais. overall i am just the uglyest girl with the badest character in this world. seriously, i dont think there is anyone worse than me. i am dumb too. stupid. idiot. hais. i am classified as those i think worse than grade Z for girls. all this make me know one thing, one fact. maybe i should really stop what am i doing now. maybe i should really do alot of self relfections now. hais. this is time i should stop what ever i am doing now. wake up wake up and stop thinking about ultraman! just stop and concentrate on ur studies or not you will be the one retain okie! argh, studies! also another big problem! hais. nothing goes smoothly for me at all. all my subjects are dying and i am dying real soon. will anyone kind enough to give me 12lilies when i die. hais. why should i choose to come JC when i know i am so dumb. issit just because JC is my only choice and i dont wanna to go to poly. argh, should i regret since my dream is to become a doctor. hais. my dream just motivate me to pass but it dont motivate me to do well because i just cant be a doctor when i know GP need at least a B or an A. how can it be possible for me so my dream is gone now. hais. what should i do now. argh. i got no sense of direction at all. everyone in my class is better than me. hais, the dumbest in my class. even the PI for the PW i am last to understand the project task! maybe for now i may still not understand! hais. why am i just so dumb! DUMB DUMB DUMB! argh, i cant stand myself anymore! can anyone tell me that i did not choose the wrong route for my studies. can anyone tell me i will survive. tell me i still have the strength to carry on with my lyfe. hais. tell me everything you can. i am trying to make myself better to. hais. it is just that i dont have any more hopes for myself anymore. it just that i lost everything now. i feel nothing is with me at all. no one is listening, no one is helping because even me myself also giving up too. hais. everyone carry an invisible bag on us. my bag is too heavy now. should i let it down and have a rest before moving on. did i have the time or chance to put my bag down before moving on. hais. i am tired. really tired till i got no more energy to move on anymore. i just wanna to take a nice rest, just one minute will do. hais. i want to die liao la! hais.

i just wonder if i am still the lihui that i used to be. i just wonder if time will to turn back, will i still be in JC. i just wonder if everything are not the same, will i be happier. i just wonder when can i not let my mind run wild, will i feel better. i just wonder when can i be stronger, will i not cry anymore. i just wonder if i never meet ultraman in my lyfe, will i be the one who is an ultraman freak. i just wonder, when then can i learn to cherish my lyfe. so many wonders in my mind. hais.

i am losing myself now. i am really losing myself because i am not the same at all. am i thinking too much again this time round. i know i didnt because i am very clear of what i am doing now. i didnt let my mind run wild for this moment. i am losing my trust on myself too. hais. can someone guide me on what can i do again to find myself back as well as to find my trust back again. i just need to find them back now- searching and searching, when will the search ends. this is another question.

i want to walk in the rain because no one knows i am crying. i just love this sentence and i want to walk in the rain now as i want to cry as much as i want now! argh, i want to CRY! seriously, hais. where is the rain, why it doesnt rain at all. i want the rain to fall now, hit my face and wake me up now. i am not awake i guess so thats why i my mind is running wild again and again. hais.

i want to run run run. just let me run as long as i can. let me have an endless running path that make me feel the beating of my heart once again. anyone want to run with me to make me feel alive. hais-

Friendship is delicate as a glass; once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks > someone broke it and i am still trying my best to fix it. should i try to fix it or should i leave it as it is now.

TELL ME LIHUI IS STILL THE SAME. TELL ME I AM NOT LOST AT ALL. TELL ME I AM STRONG. TELL ME I AM STILL ALIVE. TELL ME I AM STILL HAPPY AS BEFORE. TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. TELL ME EVERYTHING IS OVER FOR ME.
JUST TELL ME WHATEVER YOU CAN TO MAKE ME WORSE OR BETTER.

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