somewhere over the rainbow;

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

depressed+phobia

chem paper 3 was over, was it something that i should be happy about it? hais, no way because it was terribly done! i felt so depressed when i am doing, totally depressed when i handed up my paper! i tried to control my tears, but sadly i cant. although i keep telling myself, what had done is done, no point tearing over such things again. however, i questioned myself, didnt i put much more effort, didnt i try to memorise more, didnt i try to understand more? i spend more time in studying chem rather than maths, phy, econs! but this is what i get for, for spending much efforts? not only that, i realise i really cant do well in my chem, no matter how much efforts was put in. i went almost crazy, feel like turning back my time! if i could turn back my time, i rather spend more time more physics, maths, econs! if only i could, but i know i cant. now i just know that, i did not only screwed up my chem, i think i had screwed up my phy, econs, maths(maybe). oh lihui, this is what you get for only spending your dear time with your chem more, this is your retribution!

after each paper, i feel so depressed always! W-H-Y! because i know i didnt study hard? because i know i didnt memorise whatever is necessary? because i didnt try my best to understand more? because i didnt practise any questions?
i may find tonnes of reasons to say about my poor results this time round, you may find that i am just defending myself for scoring so badly. you may find that is my own retribution for not studying hard and understanding all the things well!

but can anyone tell me what can i do!

the phobia of doing chem exams are back again. no one could understand how scare can i be when i was doing my chem! my mind went totally blank, i could not even pen down my first answer! oh dear, what can be worse than not being able to write down the first answer! i really got this phobia of doing my chem exams again, i am scare of chem exams/tests/quizs or whatever! GO AWAY!

the moment i wanna talk, my tears just wanna flow! argh, this is so omg, idiot! i feel like killing myself, knowing that my tears flow so easily always! i cant control, i also dont know why! so i really try to put myself in the best so that everyone ard me wont get affected by me! trying not to let my tears flow, trying to tell myself to calm down, trying to tell myself it is over, trying to tell myself the is next time, trying to tell myself i got wonderful parents who dont even stress me, trying to tell myself i got a sweet little bro who will give me a hug when i need one, i got nice sisters who listen to how depressed i am, trying to make myself happy! i found it is so diffcult to make myself happy for today, no matter how many nice and wonderful things i try to find.
H-A-P-P-Y < this world seem so hard to spell and so diffcult to reach!

all i could blame for is for having such POOR MEMORY, SLOW UNDERSTANDING! this 2 are so horrible that i could slap and kill myself one day to make sure i got goof memory and quick understanding!

words cant describe how am i feeling now.
i got no mood to do anything else because of today, i feel that i am such a failure!
TOTALLY A FAILURE!

i do not know what more can i say, or do to make myself feel better!

reality bites,
i could feel the pain.

the whole day is sliding by with
Guilt.
Emptiness.
Regrets.

when i say i love you ; i really do (:
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only illusions;

8:00 PM